As my husband and I struggled with secondary infertility, several fears and frustrations came about: will I ever be a mother again? Will my kids be so far apart that they will never play with each other? Can I really get pregnant?
After taking pregnancy tests every single month and then deciding it was time to leave it up to the experts, new feelings arrived, feelings of defeat, incapability, not being able to control things and most of all, having to deal with everyone's opinion about it.
That's when I stopped writing. I was so focused on the subject that my mind raced every night as I used google to fall asleep trying to get answers to every single question.
The date of the first appointment came and we were both positive and excited about this new path. we were going to do IUI with the help of Chlomide. And it worked. After our first round of treatment we were ready to welcome not one, but two new members to the family!!
We then had to face more criticism and ofcourse, the one question we always got was: "Do twins run in your family?" As to which I honestly replied yes, my grandmother had a set of twin siblings, but we knew that was not the truth.
Infertility is never an easy path. Is filled with what ifs and different emotions, in my case, most of them were negative.
My husband struggled with other feelings as well but he hardly ever talked about it (Men! right?)
We knew that this pregnancy was here to change our lives, what we didn't know was the level on which it was going to happen. This was going to proof just what we were made of and more. This pregnancy was one of our biggest blessings and one of our big tests. This pregnancy would drive me back to my laptop in the middle of the night to resume my writing days.
As I sit here trying to type all of the things that come to mind, I think back at the time were I thought I was invincible, I truly felt as if all of the heart ache from the past was enough to buy me a happy life. I never thought I would struggle with infertility. I honestly felt for the women who couldn't bear children and who couldn't get pregnant but my mind went always to the "why don't they just adopt" thought (I need to clarify that adoption has always been a dream of mine, but I always thought it would happen after my family was "complete"). And then I would think of all the stigma that infertility brings, I was mortified to have to admit it and then face all the questions and the usual comments from people like: why don't you just wait, it might happen. And it might have, I mean, it was secondary infertility, which practically means, they have no idea as to why you are not getting pregnant.
Now I know better, now I have been there, now I feel compelled to go and hug every single woman who is struggling with this ugly nasty thing. It can really make you feel less of a woman, I mean, we are basically thought that we marry and have kids, there are women who obviously go a different route, but I'm talking about us, whose parents always pressured into giving them grandkids, and who, like me, always dreamt of having a big family and the white picket fence.
So my thoughts go out tonight to all of you women who want a child so bad that are willing to go into a cold clinic to make it happen, who cry every time they get a negative pregnancy test and who time their cycles with high hopes of this being the month it finally happens.
My thoughts go also to the teenage mom, to the mom with an unplanned pregnancy who is now a single parent. To the mom that always wanted a family and now that she has it feels lost in the "mom world". To the moms of baby angels who feel they are not mothers anymore, even though they are, and they are. It goes to all of you. Because nobody said motherhood was an easy thing, even though we never thought it might be this hard. Nobody said life was easy for that matter, it can throw some curve balls at you that will knock you out of your chair. but we choose to believe better things are yet to come. So, to the moms, the future moms and the moms who can only hold their child with their hearts I say: You are all amazing! You are all doing great! Maybe things will get better, maybe they won't, they might even get worse. I wish I knew what was going to happen. But we, as women, have the best job in the world, we do make the world a better place. And we all have a motherly instinct even when we are not mothers yet. The world needs mothers, the world needs our kindness and our caring nature. The world needs us, no matter how dark things become.
After taking pregnancy tests every single month and then deciding it was time to leave it up to the experts, new feelings arrived, feelings of defeat, incapability, not being able to control things and most of all, having to deal with everyone's opinion about it.
That's when I stopped writing. I was so focused on the subject that my mind raced every night as I used google to fall asleep trying to get answers to every single question.
The date of the first appointment came and we were both positive and excited about this new path. we were going to do IUI with the help of Chlomide. And it worked. After our first round of treatment we were ready to welcome not one, but two new members to the family!!
We then had to face more criticism and ofcourse, the one question we always got was: "Do twins run in your family?" As to which I honestly replied yes, my grandmother had a set of twin siblings, but we knew that was not the truth.
Infertility is never an easy path. Is filled with what ifs and different emotions, in my case, most of them were negative.
My husband struggled with other feelings as well but he hardly ever talked about it (Men! right?)
We knew that this pregnancy was here to change our lives, what we didn't know was the level on which it was going to happen. This was going to proof just what we were made of and more. This pregnancy was one of our biggest blessings and one of our big tests. This pregnancy would drive me back to my laptop in the middle of the night to resume my writing days.
As I sit here trying to type all of the things that come to mind, I think back at the time were I thought I was invincible, I truly felt as if all of the heart ache from the past was enough to buy me a happy life. I never thought I would struggle with infertility. I honestly felt for the women who couldn't bear children and who couldn't get pregnant but my mind went always to the "why don't they just adopt" thought (I need to clarify that adoption has always been a dream of mine, but I always thought it would happen after my family was "complete"). And then I would think of all the stigma that infertility brings, I was mortified to have to admit it and then face all the questions and the usual comments from people like: why don't you just wait, it might happen. And it might have, I mean, it was secondary infertility, which practically means, they have no idea as to why you are not getting pregnant.
Now I know better, now I have been there, now I feel compelled to go and hug every single woman who is struggling with this ugly nasty thing. It can really make you feel less of a woman, I mean, we are basically thought that we marry and have kids, there are women who obviously go a different route, but I'm talking about us, whose parents always pressured into giving them grandkids, and who, like me, always dreamt of having a big family and the white picket fence.
So my thoughts go out tonight to all of you women who want a child so bad that are willing to go into a cold clinic to make it happen, who cry every time they get a negative pregnancy test and who time their cycles with high hopes of this being the month it finally happens.
My thoughts go also to the teenage mom, to the mom with an unplanned pregnancy who is now a single parent. To the mom that always wanted a family and now that she has it feels lost in the "mom world". To the moms of baby angels who feel they are not mothers anymore, even though they are, and they are. It goes to all of you. Because nobody said motherhood was an easy thing, even though we never thought it might be this hard. Nobody said life was easy for that matter, it can throw some curve balls at you that will knock you out of your chair. but we choose to believe better things are yet to come. So, to the moms, the future moms and the moms who can only hold their child with their hearts I say: You are all amazing! You are all doing great! Maybe things will get better, maybe they won't, they might even get worse. I wish I knew what was going to happen. But we, as women, have the best job in the world, we do make the world a better place. And we all have a motherly instinct even when we are not mothers yet. The world needs mothers, the world needs our kindness and our caring nature. The world needs us, no matter how dark things become.
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