Two stripes on a pregnancy test! And that's how it all began. Oh! the joy of seeing those two pink stripes. Another test I took, just to make sure, as mind mind is one that always needs to be reassured. 
Days later at my Dr's office we finally got to see, I was carrying not one, but two little sacs that would change my life forever.
All kinds of feelings I had, some good, some bad. I was scared as scared could be, how was I going to manage being the mom of twins?
Even though morning sickness was the worse, I was more happy than I had ever been. They called them A and 
B and with that, our journey began.
This post is so hard to write, and I have postponed it for a while, but here it finally is.
Baby B was always lagging on growth, not a reason was found for that. The gap between A and B grew bigger and bigger as the weeks went by. Juan, my 3 year old, was a small baby, and since the twins were fraternal, I honestly wasn't worried. In my mind, nothing bad could ever happen to me. They appear to only happen to people I didn't know, stories on Facebook pages, random stories that friends told. I felt I had paid my due with every single bad thing that happened to me during my youth. 
18 weeks and we already knew that I was carrying 2 precious boys, and my love for them just grew. As I started to imagine what they would be like, the things we would do and how they would look. I had all kinds of plans, you see, life was perfect, my family would be complete. 
So at 18 weeks we had a scan and were told baby B was so small that he was probably not going to survive. I am a very optimistic person, and I still believed that things could change. Genetic tests came out fine and I just thought Marcelo was simply small. He had to be! Nothing bad was ever going to happen to me. Julian was perfect, he was growing on point. and their 20 week scan showed that they were both physically perfect, but Marcelo was still small.
At week 23 I had another scan. I was now a patient of Maternal Fetal Medicine because of Marcelo's size. And this is where it all went downhill. 
"Your pressure is really high today" is all I can really recall from that day, except for the part were they sent me downstairs to be immediately admitted to the hospital for possible preeclampsia. 
I was shaking from fear and in total disbelief, still I believed that everything would be alright. I mean, you read all the time of the signs you should watch once you hit the 20 week mark. I wasn't gaining a lot of weight or swollen out of the ordinary. And the little swelling I had I attributed to the summer heat and just pregnancy. I had a sinus infection and did have lots of headaches, but again, I thought it was because of the sinus infection, and they could've been, who knows anymore? The truth is that I never really thought I had preeclampsia or was really worried about it. But the fact is, preeclampsia is real and it can really kill. Oh! and I did! The tests confirmed it.
I had read about preeclampsia in my sleepless google sessions. But to me, it didn't seem as such a big deal, why? I really have no idea, maybe I'm just way too optimistic, very naive or borderline insane. But I never paid much attention to it. I hope I'm the only one who is this way, because this is a very serious matter.
Fast forward 5 days later and at 24 weeks and 2 days I developed HELLP syndrome, which is a very rare variant of preeclamplsia, according to the Preeclampsia foundation, HELLP stands for Hemolysis (the breaking down of red blood cells), Elevated liver enzymes and low patelet count*. At the same time, my blood pressure kept on rising and at one given moment my eyesight was completely gone, except for rainbow colored lights that were moving in front of a black background (that is the best way I can explain it, really).
C-Section time it was, and there was no way around it for me. I was immediately given another dose of magnesium, which I was on for the first 2 days that I was hospitalized. And I regained my vision. This was honestly the scariest, most dark moment of my life. And the thing is that I wasn't even thinking about myself, I could care less about myself! I needed to stay pregnant for at least another day to give both my babies a slightly better chance. But there was nothing to be done, off to the OR I went, and along with me, all my hopes and dreams.
Julian was born first and was immediately tended by the NICU team and taken almost as fast to the NICU. Marcelo was deemed to small to be taken upstairs so they handed him to my husband so we could spend some time with him. HOLY CRAP! How hard it was! we kept it together and talked to him, sang songs to him and prayed with him. He was as beautiful as an angel, and an angel he would be. We had the most amazing half an hour with him. We had been preparing for this and he got to hear our voices, he got to feel our touch, he got to be held by daddy and kissed by us both. And we got to love him, we got to fall in love with him even more. We got the chance to meet an angel in real life and we got to be grateful for his short but perfect life. We still are, I still am. I am in love with a precious little angel, who I can call mine.
I was unable to leave my bed for about 24 hours. My husband got to go and see Julian and spend a lot of time with him. He would bring an album full of pictures and I got to see how gorgeous he was. My little champ! He was doing great! We were just so proud! We still are. It must've been hard for him to be away from mommy after being a part of me for 24 weeks. But he was still a part of me, he still is, as when he was born, a part of his heart stayed with me. 
Little Julian was with us for 2 days. My little champ's brain started to bleed and that's when we were called to see our second angel go. We held him so tight and gently. We sang to him the same lullaby his brother heard. He held our finger and with our finger he held our hearts. We counted his toes and fingers and kissed him a hundred times. I was now the mother of two little angels, who took a piece of my heart.
40 days have passed since their birthday. 40 days that I have cried. I loved them from the moment they were conceived, as we were trying to conceive them so hard. I got to feel their kicks and hear their heartbeats. But I never get to hear their laughs or feel their warm hugs. Because you see, I did not just lose two babies, I lost two toddlers, two teens, to grown men that I never get to see.
This is motherhood as no one should ever experience. Because even though they are gone, they are still here. I'm still their mother and they are still my children. This is also motherhood, but it is a side of motherhood that no one should ever experience. This is their legacy, as today I chose life and I chose love, as another angel mom told me not long ago. Their legacy will forever be love, and what can be greater than love?









​*Preeclampsia Foundation (http://www.preeclampsia.org/health-information/hellp-syndrome)

As my husband and I struggled with secondary infertility, several fears and frustrations came about: will I ever be a mother again? Will my kids be so far apart that they will never play with each other? Can I really get pregnant? 
After taking pregnancy tests every single month and then deciding it was time to leave it up to the experts, new feelings arrived, feelings of defeat, incapability, not being able to control things and most of all, having to deal with everyone's opinion about it. 
That's when I stopped writing. I was so focused on the subject that my mind raced every night as I used google to fall asleep trying to get answers to every single question.
The date of the first appointment came and we were both positive and excited about this new path. we were going to do IUI with the help of Chlomide. And it worked. After our first round of treatment we were ready to welcome not one, but two new members to the family!! 
We then had to face more criticism and ofcourse, the one question we always got was: "Do twins run in your family?" As to which I honestly replied yes, my grandmother had a set of twin siblings, but we knew that was not the truth.

Infertility is never an easy path. Is filled with what ifs and different emotions, in my case, most of them were negative.
My husband struggled with other feelings as well but he hardly ever talked about it (Men! right?)

We knew that this pregnancy was here to change our lives, what we didn't know was the level on which it was going to happen. This was going to proof just what we were made of and more. This pregnancy was one of our biggest blessings and one of our big tests. This pregnancy would drive me back to my laptop in the middle of the night to resume my writing days. 

As I sit here trying to type all of the things that come to mind, I think back at the time were I thought I was invincible, I truly felt as if all of the heart ache from the past was enough to buy me a happy life. I never thought I would struggle with infertility. I honestly felt for the women who couldn't bear children and who couldn't get pregnant but my mind went always to the "why don't they just adopt" thought (I need to clarify that adoption has always been a dream of mine, but I always thought it would happen after my family was "complete"). And then I would think of all the stigma that infertility brings, I was mortified to have to admit it and then face all the questions and the usual comments from people like: why don't you just wait, it might happen. And it might have, I mean, it was secondary infertility, which practically means, they have no idea as to why you are not getting pregnant.

Now I know better, now I have been there, now I feel compelled to go and hug every single woman who is struggling with this ugly nasty thing. It can really make you feel less of a woman, I mean, we are basically thought that we marry and have kids, there are women who obviously go a different route, but I'm talking about us, whose parents always pressured into giving them grandkids, and who, like me, always dreamt of having a big family and the white picket fence.

So my thoughts go out tonight to all of you women who want a child so bad that are willing to go into a cold clinic to make it happen, who cry every time they get a negative pregnancy test and who time their cycles with high hopes of this being the month it finally happens. 

My thoughts go also to the teenage mom, to the mom with an unplanned pregnancy who is now a single parent. To the mom that always wanted a family and now that she has it feels lost in the "mom world". To the moms of baby angels who feel they are not mothers anymore, even though they are, and they are. It goes to all of you. Because nobody said motherhood was an easy thing, even though we never thought it might be this hard. Nobody said life was easy for that matter, it can throw some curve balls at you that will knock you out of your chair. but we choose to believe better things are yet to come. So, to the moms, the future moms and the moms who can only hold their child with their hearts I say: You are all amazing! You are all doing great! Maybe things will get better, maybe they won't, they might even get worse.  I wish I knew what was going to happen. But we, as women, have the best job in the world, we do make the world a better place. And we all have a motherly instinct even when we are not mothers yet. The world needs mothers, the world needs our kindness and our caring nature. The world needs us, no matter how dark things become.

When you are born, you have a long life ahead of you, everyone has hopes and dreams for you. Everyone believes in you. Then you become a toddler and start learning about everything, you get compliments on every single step you take. You then become a kid, eager to learn about the world, eager to grow up and become someone great. You might become a teacher and teach all the kids in the world to read. You might become a doctor and help everyone feel better. You might even become a super hero... At this age every thing is possible! You then become a tween, then a teen and you think that you are invincible, nothing can stop you and you are going to be young forever. So, naturally, you spend your teenage years thinking not too far ahead or daydreaming about the future. Then you go to college and you get your first glimpse of "freedom". You are all of a sudden allowed to do anything, you are on your own, you feel like you have the world in the palm of your hand and that the future is yours to take. 
In some cases, we meet our one, decide to take it to the next step and get married and have a family. In other cases, we might be surprised to find an extra strip on our pregnancy test one morning. It really doesn't matter how it happens, because all of a sudden: YOU ARE A GROWN UP!
You might enter the stages of denial, you might jump up and down celebrating that new life that's inside you, you might freak out, you might cry... you might react in every possible way imaginable. But at some point during yours or your partner's pregnancy you are going to think: "Oh $#&%#$! I am responsible for another person now." And that's when it hits you. 
Up until this point, and it doesn't really matter if you where 19, 25, 36 or even in your forty's, you saw a clear distinction between yourself and "the grown ups". Yes! you where nothing like your parents! You are still too young for lot's of things, getting older is not in your near future and you still have time to backpack thru Europe or live in a studio apartment. Consequences are not that big of a deal as they only affect "me". I mean, even if you are married or in a relationship, you really don't think about the big picture, or maybe not all of the time. You might have a savings account for the future or started paying mortgage on a house thinking about the future, but the reality is, that until you are not there, you see it far far away.
I'm 31. But I don't feel 31. I remember when my parents where my age (they had me kind of young) They looked like they had all their ducks in a row. They demanded respect and they definitely looked like they knew what they where doing. When my parents where my age, they already had 3 kids, a house, income, and the whole package. But then, I 'm in a similar situation as the one they where and I definitely don't feel like I've got all my ducks in a row. Heck! I'm still looking for some ducks that went missing some time ago! I look at my friends, and they don't seem all that grown up either. But one thing is for sure, I am more responsible now. I certainly can't be as spontaneous as I was before. If I want to travel, I need to plan ahead sometimes weeks or even months in advance. I don't have time to focus on my own needs a lot since I have a kid who needs me and a marriage that needs to be cared for.
I can definitely feel how I'm growing up, one day at a time. And it didn't start until I became a mother. Everything before was certainly a preparation for what growing up meant. But up until the point where I was responsible for someone else's life, I was still a child doing grown up stuff. 
Yes, growing up hurts! I bet my child thinks I have all my ducks in a row and some day he'll be in this stage of life and think he is screwing everything up. Maybe my parents felt the same way I feel when they where going thru this. Maybe they still do, maybe they still feel like lost teenagers on the inside, at least some times. Maybe growing up is just an illusion that no body can really reach. Maybe I don't need to rush and put all my ducks in a row after all and just enjoy the beautiful process life is. 

Ever since I became a parent, I find myself doubting my every move, There are many times during the day where I stop and think: Am I messing my child up? Am I being too strict, or too lenient? Am I doing this right? etc. 
OK, chances are my son will be OK. I mean, my parents are not even close to being perfect (sorry mom) but I like to think I came out alright. But never in my life have I doubted myself so much as I do when it comes to my parenting.
For starters, there is so much information out there now a days at our fingertips, that chances are you are going to find hundreds of pages, all with different advice on the same subject, and now they have studies for everything. I can drive you mad! You will find all kinds of point of views, and everybody swears by their method and it seems that everybody is against everyone else's point of view. It just takes to scroll down to the bottom of the pages and see how the comments escalate from "I don't agree" to insults and name calling. And although they can be entertaining (Oh! come on! don't tell me you haven't made yourself comfortable with a cup of your favorite drink and pressed the refresh button constantly to see what happens) They can actually make you doubt your parenting skills even more.
And the internet is one thing, I mean, at least you can go offline and go back to your happy place and pretend that what you just read didn't affect you at all. 
But when you meet other parents and they judge the way you parent your child, that's a whole different thing! 
I had a lady approach me while I was feeding my child formula (he must have been around 2 months old) and tell me how bad of a mother I was because I was not breastfeeding my child. Let me tell you something, That was so freaking painful!! Breastfeeding was so hard for me, I had to see a lactation consultant every week for six months cause my child never latched, I pumped every three hours day and night and I did it, because I believed it was the best thing for him, but I did have to supplement and that as it was made me feel guilty (again, because I think I read too much) but then, to hear the judging from somebody else with my hormones still raging was the worse! That made me judge myself even harder in a way and as hurt as I was, that comment lingered with me for a long time.
Ok, anyway, I'll stop venting now and maybe get some counseling for that episode as I clearly am not over it yet.
For me, supplementing with formula was what worked best, as well as many other things.
Those things worked for ME. That doesn't mean they are going to work for you, or even for my second child. But both, me and my husband, decided to parent as we do, together, and because it works for us and for our child.
As I was talking to a friend yesterday, I realized that the self doubting that we have as parents is as common as the judging that we do to other parenting styles. I mean, we all are guilty of both of them, at least I know I am.
But why do we have to be so cruel when we judge to the point as to become bullies  who think of ourselves as crusaders of our cause? I mean, we all love our children and we all want what is best for them. We all suffer with them when they are down and we all celebrate them when we are proud. We all are outstanding parents in some areas and we all could do a little better in others. But we are all in this together. Let's embrace each other, learn from each other's mistakes and successes. By the way, this also means no judging of ourselves. And with that I speak to myself. Motherhood is hard, it comes without a manual and sometimes, at least once a day for me, you are in survival mode. Somebody told me once; "The fact that you are doubting yourself means you care and nobody who cares about their children can be a bad parent". So just do the best you can, do what is best for you and your family and try and enjoy every stage in your children's lives.
Let's make motherhood a judgement free zone and we might find ourselves being happier and better parents.

So here goes nothing! And with that I'm actually writing my very first blog post. 
You know? I've come a long way. The thing is that getting over pregnancy brain is not an easy task. I once considered my self smarter than average, of course not everyone agreed, but they are not blogging here, are they? well, I was smart, savvy, or you know what? at the very least I knew where I was going and where my car keys where at all times.
Then pregnancy happened! with all it's majestic splendor, taking not only over my body but over every single working neuron in my brain. So here is where it starts. As much as I want to be one of those people lucky enough to love pregnancy... I wasn't! between the 9 months of nausea (yes! 9 whole months!) the bloating and the fatigue... ofcourse I enjoyed feeling the baby kick and the ultrasounds and discovering I was carrying a beautiful baby boy, and all of the pretty stuff (you know, the stuff you see in the movies or hear at your friend's baby shower) but trust me. Being pregnant, at least for me, was no walk in the park. 
Anyway, you pretty much expect all of those physical symptoms, but no one, and I mean NO ONE tells you that you are actually and literally going to lose your mind (and might in fact not get it back). You start slowly by misplacing you wallet, then gradually escalate until you hit the point where you have to drag yourself and your huge belly 3 times to the kitchen before you can remember that all you wanted was the rest of that Ben and Jerry's triple caramel chunk pint which up to that point had been your dominating thought for a few hours.
And all of that would be acceptable if by the time you hear your gorgeous new born cry, your bright mind would be ready to function at it's best again. But no! Fast forward 21 months later, 7-10 new debit cards and countless embarrassing phone calls from other people's phone to your number only to find your iPhone in the same place you always place it and you might just find that you've lost your mind for good. 
The key to the situation is acceptance, acceptance of yourself, and of the fact that you might have to go on the rest of your life forgetting half the words in a conversation and accepting that from now on your phone case with a card slot is your best friend.
Now, this might just be me, and if so, I confess I might have a problem, but I like to think pregnancy brain is here to stay. Not that I find any comfort in the thought, but at least that's what I think it is. In any case, I'll just accept and embrace my beautiful forgetful self and say: Here's to this wonderful blog where I can put this post partum brain  to work or at the very least embrace it and consider it a small price to pay for the greatest gift, the gift of motherhood, which has forever changed me!

So, Here's to blogging! Here's to motherhood!